The following blog is written with a smile on my face, so you need not worry about me being "down on myself". This is simply letting everyone that reads this know PRECISELY what is going on with me and lets you past what is on the surface..........

I am not real. What you see everytime you look at me is a facade. I put up a tough enough front, I act as though things with me are good or at the least, even fine. But it isn't so. Often times people come to me about their problems. I listen while they talk and then I give them my advice. Where does the grand advisor go when he has problems? Who listens to him while he talks and then advises him on how to solve his problems? Will there ever come a time when no one will have problems? If so, then what I am to do to find purpose? Sure, I have my humor to keep me around, but how does me degrading myself for the amusement of others make me feel? Better? Hardly. Yet it seems as though I am in a rut from which I can never climb out of. I give off a persona that I am a bumbling idiot at times, a Joey from Friends, yet I do this because it is what people have come to expect from me. I am the youngest, most immature 23 year old I have ever met. People younger than me are getting married and the longest relationship I have ever had lasted at best 6 months. When will I have that? When will people begin to see me for what I am, not just as "Oh, that's just Drew...."? The truth is, I am scared.

Strike that, I am PETRIFIED. Yet again an understatement. The future looms ahead of me vast and uncertain. I know not what my next move will be. I know not what I want my next move to be. "What do you want to be when you grow up?" The question is easy to answer when you are little. You don't have knowledge of the harsh truths of this world. you are still free to dream big. Now, I am a grown-up. And I still have no idea what I want to do, or where I want to go. I am currently not going to school, because I don't really see the point in going to school when I don't know what kind of degree I want. Plus, I work night shift and the mere thought of workign all night, going home, changing clothes and then going to classes all day seems absurd to me. This decision is one that was indeed most difficult to make. Which leaves me with the akwardness of hearing repeatedly, "How are classes, Drew?" Because I know how things will pan out. They always seem to pan out the same with everyone. I tell them I'm taking a break and then comes the look of utter disdain, followed by the transparent response of "Oh, well, breaks are good." Again my intelligence is insulted, this time with lies. I would rather someone be honest with me than fake. I know I am almost finished and I know that without a college degree I could well be working the night shift at this motel for the rest of my life. I have considered everything....I considered everything before I made my decision. I am in limbo. I don't know where life is going to take me next and that scares me. I know it is generally the man's role to hold his woman and protect her and assure her that everything is going to be okay. But, what is the guy to do when he needs the same? Where does he go when he needs someone to listen while he talks and then tell him what to do to make everything alright?

When you see me and ask me how I am, do not believe me when I say I'm alright; because odds are, I'm not fine. When I smile and crack jokes on the outside, know that my very sanity and being are shattering inside. Hug me when you see me. I used to be that guy. The Drew-Hugger. I need closeness to survive. I don't want a relationship; I am much to unstable for that now. All I want is to know that people care and that they won't just stop at words to let me know.

I am not strong. I am quite the opposite. I am not brave. I am constantly afraid. And the worst thing is that I know not what I am afraid of. I guess this is growing up.......

Tom Hanks said it best: "That's all I have to say, about that...."

Thanks guys--

Dear diary, it's me again. After all, who else would it be? I started work on my new rap album today, it was NEAT! Matt brought over his guitars and Todd was there. We even made a beat today, it was SWEET. Todd said the beat reminded of him of some old school junk. Well, I don't know about all that, I just think it was plain fun and crazy.......Yeah, it's me. I don't really have a rap album.....YET. Just kidding. Today is going to be a hard day. Me and the guys got together on Saturday afternoon to play some football. You know the usual, except for the football. I am SO SORE. Plus, after football, I had to go work security at //oneighty. //oneighty=dancing for Drew. So that was tiring. Then after that, I had enough time to go home, shower and then go work all night. THEN after working, I had to go sing both services at church. UGH I found myself feeling incredibly selfish for worrying more about me being tired than truly allowing myself to worship God. Grrr.. Well, after church I went home and went to sleep for about six hours. And now, I am at work once more. I can hardly walk my shin-muscles (waddya call um?) are burning something fierce. So I am sitting a whole lot. I can't wait until I am finished with class today. I am so gonna go home and crash (crash=understatement of the century thus far). I only hope that I will be able to be productive in some way today.

What else is new?

Work is work. School is school. There may/might be something happening between my friend Holli and I. But again, that puts me right back into the hot seat with my closeness with God. Well, I suppose that is my only real concern. So that's all I have. Thanks for reading and God bless!!

Well, I must say that while things in my life seem rather mundane and routine that things are anything but enjoyable at the moment. I have this feeling, a confusion rather, that seems to look over me like a monster waiting to attack. Why or how it is there, I am just as uncertain. Things for me are actually going rather well, so I really am confused as to why exactly I am confused/unhappy. I am unhappy because I am confused, I am confused because I am unhappy. Oh the predicament I am in.

I know that God has amazing plans for me and that He began to bring those joys out of me this summer. However, going back to school I have tried my earnest to fight off the pressures and temptations that go along with the atmosphere. I sing at church, which means that in many ways I am to live a certain kind of life. But, when I am at school or around people from school, they have a different perception of life and God and things of that nature. We all know how a person can be immensely influenced by the company that they keep. Luckily, I am catching these problems before they hit full-force and I am not totally engulfed by them. Being an open, honest, outwardly obvious Christian is anything but an easy job. I suppose that my vices are coming back to haunt me again.

And really, it is a matter of me knowing or not knowing what I truly want out of life. I want something that I haven't truly had in any manner of consistency for the longest time. I want to be happy.

I know that God wants to use me to fulfill the Great Commission, and nothing makes me more excited than seeing Him do that with me. Yet I long for companionship at the same time. I long to meet the One that He has made just for me. I long to share so many things with someone who gets me 100%. I have been in relationships and have liked girls, but I have a way of confusing things and making things harder than they truly are. I don't want sex, yet. I don't want money, popularity. I desire none of these things. I desire the deeper part of love.Why is it that when I have these things figured out and I want to just be on my own to figure my life out, I find the greatest interest from girls? I have tons of friends that are girls and many of them do catch my eye in someway shape or form, but I do not desire a relationship with them at this time. Then I am faced with another moral dillema of not wanting to hurt anyone that may be/have gotten attached to me from me being a "Sweetheart", "Nice Guy", "Sensitive"? How am I supposed to handle all this?

How can I be happy by obtaining the deeper part of love if I never let anyone close enough to achieve that? I want that happiness, that depth, but I want it to just happen. I want Jesus. When does all of this stop? Does it ever? Grrrr.

So it has indeed been quite sometime since my last entry. I'm certain that many of you have been eagerly awaiting my next entry so here it goes.

Currently, there are no complaints to speak of. I have been at Family Video for about three months or so. I am leaving this Friday and will be taking a new job as a farm hand. Looking forward to that quite a bit! Hard work, for hard money. Good deals. Also looking at getting a new place to live maybe. Exciting times there. Also dating one of the most beautiful girls on the planet. She can be a handful at times, but she keeps me active which is apparently obvious due to the contracting nature of the waistline of my pants. So that is good. Church is going excellently. I have been keeping a more tangible, notebook version of my journal which I think is good; being able to write down my thoughts to read over them later. So everything is good as far as I know. Life is apparently fantastically changed for the better since last time I wrote. I still struggle with some anger and also with some other things, but we all have our struggles. So I am in good shape. Peace Out!!

And another thing.....

Why is it that I have always been the nicest, sweetest guy that anyone has ever met, and just recently I have been acting like more and more of a jerk. Is it because I am tired of always being walked all over? Or is it because I am trying to redefine who I am, that might replace the age old question of how many licks it takes to get to the Toosie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop.......not really a mystery anyways, the answer is 213.....don't ask. I just wish that I knew who I truly am. Am I Drew Harlow, sweeetheart, or Drew the most unpredictable, off-the-cuff jerkface on the planet? Much like Haley, I wish life had instructions, sis. Well, I know that there may be very few people that will actually take the time to sit down and listen (read) to this whole thing or its predecessor, but in the chance that someone is, please send me your thoughts and input to my current situation, either one. Thanking you in advace, Mark Andrew Harlow